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January 10, 2020

If you’re anything like me, you crawled out of that thick viscous black hole known as 2019 and dragged your lifeless body into a weighted blanket with the numbers 2020 embroidered onto it.

There were so many wild things that happened to us in 2019, as well as throughout the decade. In 2010 we saw the first iPad and looked at pictures of Lady Gaga’s meat dress on it. You could also use two fingers to zoom in on what cut of meat it was!

Prince Harry tied the knot, and so did Kim Kardashian… for 72 days.

We said goodbye to Harry Potter and Jerry Sandusky.

We learned what a fox says.

Emojis took on skin tones and I used the crying one when same sex marriage became legal!

We also said RIP to Harambe and whatever credibility Logan Paul had.

So with that very brief catch up of the decade, I want to talk a little more specifically about 2019. I compiled this small list of both my favorite things to come across my screen and things to which I wanted to say goodbye.

Microwaving a 25lb Turkey

This meme gave the directions for everyone to text their parents asking how to cook a turkey in the microwave, then post the responses on Twitter with the hashtag #25LBTurkeyChallenge.

Most responses were of genuine concern and confusion – common emotions when it comes to the holiday season! I am kissing this meme goodbye because if it wasn’t for this meme there might be a chance I would’ve tried this one day. 2020 is the year of the pressure cooker anyway. 

Perineum Sunning

Sun’s out buns out!

As if the term “wellness influencer” wasn’t frightening enough, picture enjoying your day on the beach with your lovely family when you accidentally come across 3 grown men infusing themselves with nature’s energy. This is a prime example of toxic masculinity attempting last minute to creep into our lives in 2019/2020. They found a secret passageway with mother nature, disguised in a man bun.

I am not going to go into much more detail about the topic, but just know that over 25K people have been influenced by this man’s behind. Not me. I have too much experience with wearing a t-shirt in the pool to be naked in the sun. 

Repair with Ramen

Some of the most fascinating home remodels I have seen recently have been done for less than 13 cents – or the average price for a packet of ramen. I myself am not very handy with construction and am a huge fan of high cholesterol, so I felt these videos were exactly what I needed in 2019.

Some of the most popular videos include fixing a toilet bowl and repairing a coffee table. As an HGTV junkie (not an exciting personal statement I know), I would like to say goodbye to general contractors in 2020. 

Mango Juul Pods

Or as I like to call them: the Capri Sun of nicotine addiction. In 2019, fruit flavored Juul Pods were removed from the shelves to combat the rise in vaping in underage teens. Teenagers like the ones in this Cody Ko reaction video who not only have been blessed with clear skin, but also an unreasonable amount of free time to make a video like this:

I would like to say goodbye to the sweet, sweet taste of smoking indoors without smells or consequences.

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The pack survived

A post shared by Sophie Turner (@sophiet) on

Meryl Streep 2019 scream

Not only were we graced with a season two of Big Little Lies in 2019, but we were also greeted with Meryl’s howl to bring in all the feels of the year. Her scream was heard and quickly turned into all types of memes. Who would’ve thought screaming bloody murder could bring all of us so much peace? Mary Louise did. 

Even better: King Princess created a summer bop out of it, where it will rest peacefully in gay bars far and wide.

Storming Area 51:

“Storm Area 51: They Can’t Stop All of Us” was a mock facebook event created with the dream in mind to gather nerds and alien lovers alike to storm Area 51 to learn all its secrets.

The event blew up and went viral with thousands of people creating conversations asking about everything from babysitters to what kind of food they can bring. Although a storm didn’t happen, a music festival happened down the street and was called “Alienstock.” Bud Light sponsored the event with its own green alien beer can.

Cats the Movie

With a solid 29% on Rotten Tomatoes and a loss of almost $100 million dollars in the box office, you could not pump me with enough Benadryl to sit through this film. Goodbye to unhealthy breeding and hello to more animal rescues!

 

With 2019 now in the ground, let’s say hello to some new things in 2020:

The Blastoff of TikTok & Those Who Inhabit It

TikTok seems to be the new innovative replacement for Vine. The platform allows you to make longer content and collaborate with other makers. Some of the app’s inhabitants include e-boys and e-girls, a revival of Howie Mandel, and a new home for the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. If you aren’t familiar with the term e-boys, get yourself a trashcan next to your bed and watch a video on your phone alone.

The Continued Rise of Online Retail

There has been a major rise in apps and websites where you can easily scan your face and the next thing you know those tiny Bella Hadid glasses are getting delivered to you while you sit comfortably on your toilet. To add onto it, brands and companies have been able to spoon feed their customers directions on great return policies. You can try on your glasses and get a smaller size before you even leave the bathroom!

The 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo

My favorite part about being able to watch the Olympics is how accessible everything is since leaving cable behind. I now can hand select what sports I want to watch and disable the ones I don’t – which includes any beach sport where an athlete might feel the need to perform perineum sunning before a match or race.

The 2020 Presidential Election

Donald Trump was elected on my birthday, so my celebration mostly consisted of binge drinking and crying – much like many of my other birthday celebrations. This year is a very important election year, so make sure you ask the e-boys and e-girls who they are voting for and why. 

Season 2 of You

“How far are you willing to go to forgive an evil white man.” – Penn Badgley explains when asked about what the show is about on a video segment of Actors on Actors. Penn Badgley plays Joe Goldberg, an unreasonably charming psycho stalker that has everyone glued to their screens and riddled with guilt. What better way to start the new year with a splash of excitement and shame?

The Final Season of Schitt’s Creek

If I had to pick one quote from the show that best describes leaving 2019 and entering 2020, I’d say this: “Put one foot on the ground, one foot on the pedal, now get the hell out of here.

I know I’m not the only one looking forward to the last season. All good things must come to an end and we are all looking forward to however Moira Rose dramatically exits this final season and show. 

With all of this in mind, let’s remember to try and take care of ourselves more in 2020.  Fill up a fresh cup of celery juice, put on a charcoal mask, and pop on an episode of Euphoria.

If you don’t have HBO, read the news on an iPad. Whatever news you don’t understand in an article that your father sends you, you can easily listen to it on a podcast for free. 

2020 is our year and we have a whole decade to clean up our messes or make new ones!

About the Author

Colin Pawlowski

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