Happy Holidays! It’s Good Boy Colin here. I hope you are staying warm and your belly is full of Lactaid and Christmas cookies. I am writing to you from my living room that you know so well.
Right now, our house is filled with so many beautiful holiday decorations… including my mother’s shrine to you (that I know you are obsessed with).
I’m sad to report one little gal wasn’t allowed in this year, though. Poinsettia, our faithful Elf on the Shelf. She somehow got her hands on TikTok and we were forced to evict her from our property shortly thereafter.
I won’t bother explaining Elf on the Shelf to you, since she’s YOUR employee, but I think you should know she’s been breaking your North Pole HR guidelines recently.
When I moved back home with my parents this year, I thought that our holiday-based friendship was going to pick up right where we left off. I was excited to whisper all my good little deeds of the year into her gumdrop ear while vacuuming my parents’ floors and helping them cook dinner. Like a good boy who belongs on the nice list!
Unfortunately, this was not the case. I woke up one morning to find her on my nightstand. Her eyes were glassy, she looked exhausted, and there was an empty package of Oreos on the floor next to three empty cartons of oat milk. TikTok was open on my phone and the battery was at 3%. She had stumbled upon the Elf on the Shelf algorithm and was going down a dark hole of ideas. All night long.
After that, I noticed Poinsettia started to get… a little naughty. She began rolling out these major pranks that ruined my life and my carpets—all thanks to the influence of TikTok. She drew all over my face while I was asleep, filmed it, and POSTED it. She refreshed endlessly, desperate for likes, views, and the approval of fellow Elf on the Shelf content creators.
And sure, I get it. As a content creator myself, sometimes you need to let someone else be the butt of the joke for a solid view or two. We’re all out here trying to get some Oatly sponsorships. A prank is a prank, and I know how to laugh at myself—but it went too far when she unplugged my CPAP machine.
Too many of your elves are coming together and breaking the algorithm with this slew of holiday mischief. It’s been trending on my FYP (“for your page”) harder than Mariah Carey, and all I want for Christmas is a stop to this madness.
They’re being smart about their digital strategy though, I’ll give them that. These elves are tapping into the growing #DIY market on TikTok, which is especially popular this time of year with parents. During the holidays, FYP pages make it easier for parents to decorate their home, cook a holiday meal, or even get insight into some of the hot presents of the year, especially on a budget. But instead of making Christmas tree ornaments or gingerbread houses, there has been an uptick in how to torture your children by abusing the power of Christmas magic.
Do you not hear the wallowing cries of children upset, annoyed, or even afraid of their special magical elf echoing the halls of your North Pole palace?
These elves are hypnotized with the promise of going viral, getting a brand deal for endless amounts of delicious, creamy Oatly, and maybe even getting a chance to be on Good Morning America. Kids want to be on Youtube, not a morning show! You should know this with the amount of ring lights in your sleigh.
But they’ve tapped into the #momtrends and #parenthacks hashtag markets, spreading their agenda and brainwashing parents into thinking that the naughty list is actually the list to be on this year. My mom doesn’t have TikTok so we were lucky. She kicked out Poinsettia and stuck to her haunted statues of you.
Most families have not been so fortunate.
I’m just really scared, Santa. I felt the need to reach out because I didn’t know what else to do. TikTok is such a great resource for all things DIY, especially around the holiday season, and I hate to see it tarnished this way.
Whether it’s to show you how to make a Christmas wreath, build the perfect holiday playlist, or even bake a Christmas morning casserole, TikTok has been a safe place to showcase your holiday cheer. Now, your little Christmas goblins have figured out how to use it for evil.
I don’t sleep anymore. Visions of sugar plums are not dancing in my head. Visions of me being tied to the radiator with tinsel are. MAKE IT STOP! Kids these days have enough to worry about and no one needs pranks during the holidays. I know Christmas is around the corner and it will be over soon, but next year I can’t keep washing permanent markers off my eyebrows. All I ask for Christmas this year is a full night’s sleep under the weighted blanket you gave me last year, and seven crates of Oatly to bathe myself in.