Here at ChatterBlast, we’re interested in more than just the newest Snapchat feature or the latest news on Facebook advertising. We like to keep up with the more nuanced side of social media.
So before we say farewell to our Fall ‘15 Junior Blasters, we decided to present them with the challenge of a lifetime (or semester): What would they do if given the chance to adopt whatever social media personality trope they wanted for one day?
Between those enigmatic DGAF accounts that post memes all day, to the person who says “screw it” and posts nothing but pictures of their food, to the flawless Instagram beauty who gets paid big bucks just to tag brands, the list of niche social media tropes is as endless as the ChatterBlast candy jar. While some accounts are anonymous, others are decidedly “on brand” for certain people. But the most intriguing ones are unapologetic and shameless in how they’re presented.
So we figured, what better way to uncover the wild sides of our interns than to let them explore their social media guilty pleasures, all while showcasing their astute knowledge of the wide world of Internet personalities? After all, the last few months of working here have taught them everything from the politics of hashtags to the best ways to peruse the depths of the interweb.
Part of the gang at our intern appreciation party.The rules:
- We’ve all wondered what it’d be like to have a bazillion followers, so this time, you do. Assume you have an engaged audience who will read and care about what you post.
- You get to be completely anonymous. That means any and all judgment passed on your posts reflects you in zero ways. This is a chance to be shameless without the guilt or backlash.
- Your popularity and anonymity is not an excuse to be offensive. We keep it classy here at ChatterBlast.
Get ready to meet our Junior Blasters – unleashed!
VALERIE
ChatterBlast title: Content Creator
New persona: One-Joke Tweeter
making coffee#
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) August 29, 2015
Description: The internet loves weird stuff, and that’s why one-joke Twitter accounts – literally entire accounts formed around the repetition of a single joke that gain massive followings – are so well-loved. One of my favorite accounts tweets out short, eyebrow-raising excerpts from New York Times publications completely out of context. Another one adopts the persona of a weirdly nihilistic dad who doesn’t know how to use Twitter, but loves coffee. I am straight up enamored with these accounts, and I’d totally create one if I had an idea. Here’s the problem, though: I don’t. How does one even get hit with such a stroke of genius? Maybe I’ll just take over for Carrot Facts or Nihilist Arby’s for a day. That’d be the dream.
JESSICA
ChatterBlast title: Content Creator
New persona: Shameless Foodie
Description: Before posting food porn became a standard on millions of social media accounts, I loved taking pictures of my food. There’s something about food that just demands you to take a picture. Plus, as a serious lover of food, I find it to be a great way to document my various culinary adventures. For some reason, today it’s become a total social media crime to post pictures of your food unless you’re a legit food photographer or blogger. Or unless you’ve somehow just managed to include “foodie” in your #personalbrand. I’ve done neither of those things, but I still want to share my delicious food, dammit, so I’m about to go all out. Zero judgments, zero limits.
DYLAN
ChatterBlast Title: Content Creator
New Persona: Facebook Mom Description: In modern times, perhaps one of the most fulfilling aspects of parenthood is the ability to embarrass your children via Facebook. As a victim myself, I would jump at the opportunity to do so. However, by the time I’ll have my own kids, Facebook may be irrelevant. I may not get the chance to upload and tag them in pictures from their awkward, braces-ridden times from middle school, or add all of their old friends from high school they’ve been successfully avoiding since graduation to initiate forced conversation and invite them over “just like old times!” However, never say never, as today, I am your mom on Facebook.
GABRIELLE
ChatterBlast Title: Content Creator
New Persona: Model Who Travels World with Incredibly Hot Boyfriend
A photo posted by ALEXIS REN (@alexisren) on
Description: Ever heard of Alexis Ren? No? What about Jay Alvarrez? If not, take a minute now
to scroll through their pictures. Have I ruined your day? Probably. Some people just have all the luck in life.
- Get signed as a model at a young age? ✓
- Get paid to travel to the world’s most beautiful destinations? ✓
- Become acquainted with an equally beautiful human being, fall in love, and become the world’s most ridiculous example of #relationshipgoals ever? ✓✓✓
I have shamelessly stalked this couple for hours and I can tell you right now that it is not a good idea. You will look up from your phone screen and reflect upon your own life, wondering to yourself, “Where did I go wrong?” I may not be a model (that’s what Instagram filters are for), but I did study abroad once. So, ‘til the end of time, I’ll annoy my friends with endless throwbacks of when I was there and pretend I was paid for it, too.
REBECCA
ChatterBlast Title: Account Management Intern
New Persona: Reaction Photo Phenom
https://twitter.com/soupyjim/status/605685769663971328/photo/1?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
Description: We’ve all been there. Your random family member posts some strange opinion on Facebook and you sit at your laptop, wondering how you are related to them. Or another scenario we’ve all encountered—you are scrolling down your Twitter feed and it’s as if Donald Trump found the secret to reaching the optimal level of mentions. Typically, when I find myself in these scenarios my first reaction is to throw my phone into an abyss and go on as if the world is a beautiful place. But since I’m not one to act on impulse, I usually just throw the occasional sticker of the business fish in a Facebook comment or quote a questionable tweet with a wide-eyed Pepe the Frog. A couple weeks ago I got a fortune cookie that read, “When in doubt, mumble.” But I think what it really should have advised was to “meme-ble.”
GIANNA
ChatterBlast title: Research & Reporting Intern
New persona: Selfie Queen
Description: There’s always that internal battle when you’re feelin’ yourself and snap the perfect photograph.Should I post it? It’s like dating that bad boy in a motorcycle gang: My heart says yes, but my head says no. Well, I don’t want to have that argument with myself anymore. If you post too many selfies on Instagram, you’re seen as self-absorbed and annoying, so us millennials came up with basic social media etiquette surrounding the cause:
- You can’t post a selfie back to back
- If you do, they have to be posted at least a week apart
I think it’s time to start breaking the rules. Whenever I feel fabulous (which is all the time, obviously) I’m going to upload my selfie for the world to see. My Instagram will probably be just a portfolio of glamorous head shots. I’ll even get around to writing my own selfie book. You heard me, Kim Kardashian – there’s a new sheriff in town.
MIKEY
ChatterBlast Title: Graphic Design Intern
New Persona: Shitposter
This is a very special technique that I have never seen
— Horse ebooks (@Horse_ebooks) September 23, 2013
Description: Sometimes life can get a little too serious, and all you really need is something mindless and silly to break tension. To me, one of the best remedies is a shitpost. I can’t get enough of the Internet’s love of absurd and nonsensical garbage. I was a very big fan of Horse ebooks and the fake Tilda Swinton Twitter account, and I’m currently hooked on the weird posts made by Denny’s various social media accounts. I’ve posted a few pieces of unorthodox nonsense before, but I’m always too timid to be consistent with it. Instead of just dipping my toe in the shitposter pool, maybe it’s time I jump in headfirst.
JILLIAN
ChatterBlast Title: Graphic Design Intern
New Persona: Hashtag Abuser
I love making art and sharing it on all my social media accounts. After all, what’s the point of putting countless hours into a piece if I only get a measly three “likes” on my Tumblr? As a result, I’ve already fallen into the habit of abusing hashtags when posting to reach out to new audiences. Once I upload a photo, I immediately rack my brain on twenty different hashtags that will grant me the most exposure: #art #drawing #cat #pencil #color #monday. The list goes on. It would be interesting to push the envelope and see just how many hashtags I can get away with before somebody tells me to cool it.
NORA
ChatterBlast Title: Community Coordinator – Reading Terminal Market
New Persona: Lifestyle Blogger
Description: Lifestyle bloggers always seem so put together, well-rounded and, of course, trendy AF. They’re the ones who spend their Saturday nights enjoying a bubble bath with a glass of rosé and wake up at 8 the next morning for that new spin class you’ve only heard about. They seem to lead a fabulous, stress-free life all because they are so on top of their s**t. I love fashion, enjoy cooking and try to do “cute” things, so why don’t I get over 100,000 likes on a picture of my super trendy avo-toast breakfast? Could it be because I am still struggling to make it through the day without spilling coffee all over myself? Imperfections aside, I’m going to start living my life like a lifestyle blogger – matcha smoothies and all. Maybe I’ll even invest in some funky dishware and hire a photographer. Who knows? I am just getting started…
