Have you ever wondered which foods best represent different social media platforms?
Yeah, me neither.
At least not until the clock hits 11:55 AM and the ad sheets I’m working on suddenly start looking a lot more tasty than task-oriented. After all, we’re all human: we eat everyday, we scroll every day, and we often do them at the same time to avoid the dredge of break room smalltalk.
So here it is, social media sites ranked from worst to best by your local advertising expert wishing he was out at happy hour:
9. Facebook – Lobster
Sounds great, right? Wrong. Not only is it actually just some prehistoric sea bug, but I’m deathly allergic. There is literally poop on it, but Zuckerberg still wants us to think it’s the most expensive item on the list. The must have. The holy grail. Yet most people ordering it are on social security. Posting on Facebook is like hanging your report card on the fridge: if you did well, it’s probably fine. However, if Cousin Maria tags you from the family reunion in Cape Cod, it’s going to look reeeeal bad.
8. Reddit – Foie Gras
Not only will Redditors eat this, but they’ll mock you for not having tried it before. Is everyone on Reddit a know-it-all gatekeeper? The pretentious nature of this app is disheartening, and the people can be even more insufferable (especially if you dare tell them so. Force feeding ducks is inhumane, but do they care? No. They make fun of me and tell me to go back to the Peta subreddit, and they’re even meaner there). The one plus is that if you need to fix your 2004 Chevy Impala and don’t know how, you can find a thread with your exact issue.
7. Snapchat – Did I Just Eat That Pringle?
There isn’t a more forgettable social media platform than Snapchat. What’s even the use if I’m not sending risqué disappearing messages in 2013? “Oh, here’s a memory from 2015 where you were much happier,” and “oh, here’s that one ex you forgot about until two seconds ago.” Kinda just like that Pringle you ate 15 minutes ago. I’m still hungry and forgot it exists.
6. LinkedIn – Beyond Meat
It’s all talk: Kinda good, but something’s not quite right. Is everyone on this platform lying? Or is it simply cringe that everyone accepts because it’s just the thing you have to do? Connecting with someone on LinkedIn then meeting them for the first time in real life is always jarring. You’re expecting some buttoned-up individual that speaks high English from the 14th century, and it’s just a dude named Gabe with Sanuk Sidewalk Surfers on at the office. Gabe’s not really my friend, he’s just the soy-based version of one.
5. Pinterest – Casserole
Hi mom. I personally never used Pinterest because I can’t figure out what the hell is even going on. Too many mystery ingredients for me to stomach. Can I find a good recipe? Probably. But can I also find out how to crochet a blanket from old shirts? Probably that too. It’s not my first pick, but I’ll eat it if it’s in front of me.
4. Instagram – Froyo
It was once hip and stylish, but now it’s a little boring. Instagram has had a slight fall from grace recently; it’s turned into TikTok Lite with its video and meme platforms dominating my feed. Most people I know now post maybe three times a year, if that, and it doesn’t even pop up on my feed anymore. “Suggested content,” “because you liked this you might like this,” “someone you know liked this…” I don’t need all these extra toppings, I was fine with the plain vanilla underneath. I haven’t posted since 2021, and I’m not sure I ever will again. Do I really care if Justin from high school Oceanography class sees that I’m in Prague? No, and I don’t think he cares if I’m there either.
3. Twitter/X – Last Shot of the Night
Why am I doing it? I have no idea, but I can’t stop. Like Gandalf said, “Understand this: things are now in motion that cannot be undone.” I feel like I’m just along for the ride at this point. Will I end up in some guy’s apartment at 4 AM with a crowd of strangers, or will I wake up at 7 AM on a park bench? Who knows. Either way, someone’s going to be telling me something I don’t want to hear but I just can’t stop listening.
2. TikTok – Espresso Martini
It’s super in, super trendy, and keeps you up all night. TikTok is simply dominating social media. It takes up big chunks of my life, but I’m not mad about it, kind of like an espresso martini. Plus, when one person orders it at the table, so will another, then another, and another, till the table of six each has one and doesn’t regret it one bit until Dry January hits. You can try to quit it for a month, sure, but you know you’ll be back.
1. YouTube – Buffet
WHY CAN’T I EAT ALONE WITHOUT A VIDEO PLAYING? There’s too much content, but their algorithm is amazing. One moment I’m watching a vlog, then an alternate history video if England didn’t exist, followed up with a sports video on the ’86 Chicago Bears. Nothing is quite like the buffet of content on YouTube, and I’m going to devour it all until I’m sick. Are you starving? I’m starving.