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January 7, 2016

Oh, Madonna.

Madge.

M.

Esther.

What have you done now?

Don’t get me wrong – I’m a big fan. HUGE fan, actually. But we need to have a lil’ chat about your Instagram account.

I mean, it’s not all bad. Accumulating 5.6 million followers is no small feat. And your consistent #RebelHeart messaging? Kudos.

But here’s the deal. When you’re embroiled in a transatlantic custody battle, please think twice about posting on the ‘Gram.

For those who don’t follow Madonna’s every move like I do, her son Rocco wants to stay in London and live a normal, teenage existence (plus or minus several hundred million dollars). Madonna wants Rocco to stay with her as she travels the world on her #RebelHeart tour. Filmmaker Guy Ritchie, Madonna’s ex-husband and Rocco’s father, naturally wants his son in London.

Do you see where this is going?

Custody battles are a dime a dozen, but what makes this so interesting is how it’s spilled over to the Instagram accounts of everyone involved. Madonna, Guy Ritchie, Guy’s new wife and even Rocco are mismanaging their social media in an attempt to make gains in the court of public opinion.

Have no fear Madonna. I’m #TeamMadge all the way, so I’m rolling up my sleeves and doling out some expert advice, free of charge (for now).

Rule #1: Don’t profess your undying love for your children on social media.

No matter how cool you are, you are still the mom. Even though you regularly do a striptease with nuns, rules are rules: parents who post about their kids are simply not cool. If you want to tell them you love them, a text, email or even a phone call will do — just don’t bother leaving a voicemail.

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Rule #2: If you’re going to break Rule #1, don’t post embarrassing pictures.

Posting embarrassing pictures of your son on social media is much like pinching your son’s cheeks and saying “Isn’t he just the cutest?!” in front of a prom date. Although your intentions are good, it doesn’t make it okay. This applies to any pictures of your awkward teen in their underwear, not to mention accompanying commentary that alludes to their package…or lack thereof.

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Rule #3: Don’t use Instagram out of spite.

When your ex and his new wife post images of your son on Instagram, it’s hard not to post one too. But here’s the thing. It comes off as reactive, emotional, and a little bit like propaganda. If you’re going to break Rule #1 and #2, please make sure it comes from the heart and not out of spite. Spite posts happen to the best of us, but us common folk can easily delete them. When you have 5.6 million followers? Not as easy.

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Rule #4: If you’re going to break Rule #3, please see my previous blog post about Instagram and the Art of the “Soft Sell.

At the end of the day, you’re a brand, and brands use Instagram successfully by curating and “soft selling” their customers a product or lifestyle that they want them to buy. We all believe you love your son, Madonna, but you need to approach expressing this on Instagram like Madewell does with their denim overalls: tastefully.

So there you have it. Four simple rules to follow on Instagram that should smooth things out with Rocco. And because I’m assuming you’re reading this, Madonna, I’m happy to chat a little further about how we can help you. I’m booked up next week, but can easily move things around for the Queen of Pop.

About the Author

Joey Conicella

In his pre-ChatterBlast life, Joey was co-owner of The Yum Yum Cupcake Truck in Orlando, Florida. Joey currently resides in the Fairmount section of the city with is husband, two dogs, cat, and one too many antiques.

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