It’s that time of the year again, kids! The time when the weather gets warm, body-ody-odys head to the beach, and our social posts shake off the winter doldrums and prepare to embrace the heat. And – more then any other time of the year – summer becomes Selfie Season!
To help prepare all of our loyal readers for the next few months of front camera and to ensure you’re striking the right pose, we here at CBM HQ have created the Ultimate Guide to Summer Selfies. Chances are, you’ll be guilty of any or all of the following by the time fall rolls back around.
Driving While Selfie-ing
Not even Oprah Winfrey can stop the kids from distracted driving! Proving we are all hot wheels, this is probably America’s favorite way of showing people how good you look on your way to work. Or Target.
Disclaimer: ChatterBlast Media and Matthew Ray do not condone the taking of selfies while driving a motor vehicle. Also, don’t text or talk while driving. Just listen to the radio.
DemocraSELFIE
Over The Shoulder
“OMG! Can you believe this is happening to me? It’s right back there! Wow!”
This snap is good if you want everyone to see your enormous fricken’ head as well as give a little shout-out to your entourage or whatever happens to be positioned just so in the background.
Look who’s behind me! It’s the Zodiac Killer!
Dirty Diaper Face
Full credit to my friend Michael Braunstein for naming this selfie style:
“It looks like a baby crapped its pants and can’t figure out where the smell is coming from…”
Rubber-faced individuals tend to be able to muster this mug the best. Highly popular with your friends who think they’re cute when they are actually just awkward. Just totally awkward.
Expression: Expressionless
This is kind of the opposite of the dreaded Dirty Diaper Face. Think mysterious predators who want their face to never betray all the wild emotions and thoughts within their noggin.
It’s a serious lewk for serious sewls.
P3
Here we have a a mutation of Expression: Expressionless. The Pensive Portrait Profile, or P3, is for people who want a selfie that is serious but also broadcasts a person’s love for incredible vistas… Like art, nature, Tulum, the Catskills, Iceland, or just out the window of your office at the attractive but unreachable window washer next door.
Sigh.
Mirror Mirror
A golden oldie dating all the way back to pre-Instagram days, these are the body positive moments where we show the world how many meals we’ve missed over the last few months.
Be careful though, true believers. Too many of these and you might earn the title of “Thirst Trap” amongst your friends.
Vacancy
Let every thought leave your mind.
Stare off into the distance.
Imagine you are in Ibiza and the waiter asked you what room to charge your champagne and avocado toast to. Open your mouth slightly as if to reply, but nothing comes out. No words, only beauty.
Future’s So Bright
This popular squinty-eyed shot just burns with intensity. The subject’s life is such an epic comet; they can literally stare into the sun! Truly the sign of someone going someplace special. A hero, innovator, leader, and goddess.
The Golden Hour
The inverse of Future’s So Bright, this selfie guarantees even the craggiest of mugs an Instagram of beauty! In photography, The Golden Hour is the time right after sunrise or before sunset where the daylight is redder and softer than any other time of the day. TRUST.
Duckface
Blame those Kardashians for the idea that a thick set of pursed lips would be modern society’s hallmark of beauty. A neat addition to this pose is the “peace sign”, which reminds the world you are a lover and not a fighter and are very opposed to nuclear proliferation. Any variation of the world-famous Blue Steel may also fall under the Duckface category (Sorry, Ben Stiller).
Did I miss any? What is your preferred self-expression? What mug are you making?
Pundits might argue that selfies are just a narcissistic form of personal expression. Clearly they are right. But if you’ve read my award-winning blog, The Age Of Narcissism, you should understand that selfies are simply the ultimate expression of the Millennial / Social Media experience.
Plus, they’re harmless and we look damn good.
